This post was previously posted on May 24th 2017:
Today is the anniversary of my mom's death and I have been battling the feeling of how I will feel on this day. Honestly, it has been hard all month anticipating the day to come and then go. I have been so emotional and attributing everything I go through to my grief. Whether something financial has gone astray or I don't feel adequate enough about just being, I hear my mom's voice in my head say, "Take it for what it is and deal with it. " And that was our way of saying to not beat yourself up over something, but rather see a situation for what it is without taking it so personal and falling apart.
So far, today has gone pretty well. I haven't broken down and I am thinking about her passing with a rational mind. Although I still can't rationally fathom living in this world without her or my daddy anymore. It's the craziest feeling. I could be fine one moment and then it hits me, "My mom and dad are gone to never return to this world." I get this feeling often and I guess it's part of the grieving process that you have to come to grips about your loved ones not being here. I haven't taken any grief counseling, which I would like to but contemplate doing because sometimes I just want to grieve on my own and really don't want to share it with others. However selfish that sounds, that is just where I am. I do know though, that denial is part of this process, so I guess I am moving in a normal or expected step through the process. At times,I feel like I am not because it just seems so hard and so unreal. The will to deal with the rest of life comes from the fact that I have my own family to still love and care for. My mom always told me, "take care of your family" and I try to do just that but I wanted to be able to take care of everyone and still have everyone here. I wanted to control the whole situation, but I really didn't have it because it was never in my control in the first place. I thought it was and that is part of my heartache and the fact that the plan to keep everyone closer means no one can get sicker. However, the fact is that God was allowing us to be closer because He knew the time was closing in on how long my parents would remain on this earth.
Well, this is my first post and I can't put everything in it. So I hope to help someone experiencing this pain called grief and to also help them heal their hurt.